Toilet Talk

A March 14th lunch with Fabulous

(WARNING Daddy Scamper! This one’s not for you)

Scamper was working into the wee hours last night, as usual, so when our phone rang this morning, we may not have answered with our standard girlish glee. Fortunately, Scamper employs a little friend called caller ID. That’s how we knew it was Fabulous calling. We assumed a posture, pressed accept and shrieked, “Bitch…please!”, because we had just seen his text announcing that he was picking us up for lunch in 10 and he was perky.

Fabulous knows us well and instantly asked if we needed an hour. We did. He also promised a present. Scamper is no fool. After the glitter bomb incident, all presents from Fabulous are greeted with skepticism.

45 minutes later, Fabulous and Raja were downstairs. Raja would be his neon blue convertible. Why the name? How do we know? You know the gays. We considered informing Lady Bird Fab that 45 min does not an hour make, but we really were ready and Fabu had given us a break by delaying the departure time already.

Well, as they always say, no good deed… Our present arrived as we were descending the staircase. Thankfully, we had reached the second floor landing when it caught our eye, lest we had plummeted to our death out of shock.

It would seem that today is a holiday and naturally, Scamper does love a day of celebration.

“Oh Goody! ” we thought, until we read on. Holiday indeed!


Fabulous had done it again! He was just as pleased as punch too. He was already defrosting tonight’s steak. Our blood sugar must have been low because we dramatically threw our hands up and demanded the name of the jack ass who came up with this cockamamie scheme. That earned us a look. We remained undeterred. “Who likes giving a bj?”

Fabu gave us a quizzical look this time. Then he gave us a combo package, a surprise /informational present. He asked what part we objected to. FYI … he knew. The unexpected protein shake of course!!!

And here comes the surprise….he crinkled up his nose, made a little gagging sound and said “uh…no!”

Hmmm… confusing response. We waited for more. We cleared our throat and made an … out with it… gesture with our delicate hand.

As if it were a given, he said, “Oh, we never pull the trigger”. We needed a moment to take that in. After filing that nugget away in our mental Rolodex, we repeated our hand gesture. A little more emphatically this time and we almost ejected from Raja like the offending fluid when we heard it.

Get this girls… It is perfectly ok to ask for a warning before shots are fired. And it’s also ok to express an objection to that sort of oral invasion. You don’t even have to dance around the subject. That … don’t you love all of me… it’s good for your skin/hair…you don’t get enough protein… crap, is all a power game.

You can simply say … no room at the inn… and they can make that deposit elsewhere, to no ill effect.

Well, well, well… Good to know

About the author

The Scamper

Add Comment

Click here to post a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *