Monday’s Mysteries

trump in china

There’s all sorts of funny business going on in our nation’s capital, but for today we’ll just give you the highlights.

How is it that Michael Flynn and son got caught up in Mueller’s web?

It seems as though their bad behavior had far more to do with Turkey than Russia. Is there no parameter to the scope of the investigation?

Father and son Flynn were allegedly offered $15 million to kidnap Fethullah Gulen from his nesting spot in Pennsylvania and return him to his former best friend, Erdogan, who happens to be the president of Turkey.

Remember that nasty little coupe that we addressed in July of 2016? The power crazed prezzy blamed Gulen for organizing the coupe and wanted him returned for a fun filled, family styled, public execution.

So many commenters  asked, who cares? What does that have to do with us?

Well, smarty pantses, how about this? The Flynn duo hasn’t been arrested, unlike Manafort and friends. What would you like to bet that they’ve turned rodent and by that we mean rat fink on anything Trump?

You can believe that our Turkish trouble has only just begun. Erdogan is a serious problem in a highly strategic spot. That’s why you should care.

As for the element of mystery, why was Mueller concerned with Turkish interactions?

The kidnapping never took place. The Flynn family has been twisting in the wind for nearly a year. What is that Mueller up to?

This one is a real head scratcher.

Why is it that after so many seemingly substantial charges, Wholesome Hillary is still being protected by a republican controlled DOJ? More and more damning information is emerging on a daily basis.

She is just as brilliant as Obama. The likelihood of her having committed a crime that could result in jail time is unlikely. It’s far more conceivable that Debbie WS will go down.

Lord knows, those guys love the proverbial scapegoat.
Here’s the conundrum. Why is Jeff Sessions withholding documents that might incriminate her from judicial watch? Additionally, why is the state department redacting all related documentation before handing it over?

These papers and communications are the property of the American people. She lost the election. Presumably, she holds no further power over these people. Why are they protecting her to their own detriment?

Okay, this isn’t a mystery, it’s just a good one.

Kim Jong Un has been calling President Trump old.

This weekend the president got fed up and asked in a tweet, why would he call me old? I would never call him short and fat. That Trump is funny and if it vexes you, learn to relax. You’ll enjoy life more that way.

Did he or didn’t he?

The Roy Moore saga.

Now 7 ladies have come out of the 38-year-old woodwork to claim that the judge kissed them in their teens. One says that he touched her underpants.

Democrats are screaming from the rafters that any woman who makes such an allegation must be believed. Hence, the formerly held judicial concept of innocent until proven guilty no longer exists.

Isn’t that an interestingly convenient change of mind?

We’re too polite to harken back to the blue dress, but what about the intentionally averted eyes during Weinstein’s whirling sexual wonders? Are they really going to pretend that they didn’t know while he glad handed them massive amounts of cash, he was grabbing and groping reluctant ladies bottoms?

We’ve known about Keven Spacey’s deviant ways for over a decade. No one complained because he made them money. He also frequented the White House. We’re especially peeved that he’s now ruined House of Cards. He’s a beast.

The extraordinary number of predatory sexual animals amongst the powerful set is finally coming to light. Thank God.

These disgusting creatures have been lurking about since the dawn of time. It’s too bad that it took a scandal involving a person of fame to get people to stop asking questions like, “well, what was she wearing?”

Been there. Done that.

No form of unwelcome sexual activity is ever acceptable.

Under any circumstances.

Here’s our quandary.

Why now?

It’s 30 days before the Alabama election. These charges are 38 years old. Chances are, none of these ladies is holding the equivalent of the blue dress.

This guy has made a myriad of deeply offensive statements throughout the course of his notorious career. He’s held a position of prominence in Alabama for decades.

Now that the democrats want to use this senatorial seat to both change the balance of the senate and discredit the president, who by the way, rooted for the other guy, there is suddenly no room for the presumption of innocence. Nor apparently, is there any allowance for speculation about the motives of such politically timely accusations.

Does that not seem strange?

To be fair, when asked about the accusations, Moore’s responses were exceedingly odd. When asked if, as a man in his 30s he dated teens, his first answer was, “generally, no”

Um, generally, that’s a creepy kind of answer.

You had best believe that the gentlemen that we know would have been grievously offended by such a question and their answers would not only have been far more definitive, it’s possible that they would have been accompanied by a knuckle sandwich.

How is it that the press forgot that Obama refused to take any questions during his first trip to China?

They excoriated President Trump this week for disregarding the first amendment. By not having allowed the press to ask questions of him, he was clearly evidencing his disdain for the first amendment and it was, yet again, unprecedented.

Was it?

Not only are we sick of the word unprecedented, we are super sick of specious allegations.

Here’s the mystery. Do these arrogant, self-important, intestinal orifices of the media really believe that they have the ability to mesmerize us all with their beauty and intellect?

Sorry kiddies, you’re not that cute and you’re not that smart.

Also, there’s google.

We’ve saved the best for last because this one brings us a twisted sort of joy.

Don’t judge us until you read it. It’s delectable.
Surely, you recall the tremendous and quite sudden offense brought about by statues of our founding fathers. Good news. In order to accommodate the delicate sensibilities of those so deeply offended by remnants of the past and the country’s history, accommodations shall be made. For example, you may now anticipate a bright new addition to the sculpture arena in the state capital. Marion Barry’s bust will soon be added to the likes of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln, assuming that their statues haven’t been removed for creating feelings of discomfort.

You may not remember this special little treat but Mayor Barry is most famous for having been arrested for smoking crack while in office. Oh yeah, he also said that Asians and their dirty shops had to go.

The mystery is… what is wrong with these people? Marion Barry? Are you kidding?

These things make no sense. If you can offer us a reasonable explanation, please do. As of now, we will recline because idiots give us a headache



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The Scamper

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