See if You Can Find the Mustela in the Crowd
With so many odious characters scurrying about in Washington, it can be hard to identify the most unscrupulous beast in the bunch.
Nearly everyone has reached the point of election fatigue. This campaign season has radically altered our collective perception of politicians and their roles. The rose colored glasses have been splattered with so much ugly truth that they’ve been rendered useless. The most wholesome aspect of the recent debate was Ken Bone’s tale of the red sweater.
Rather than serving up yet another platter of political bile, we thought we’d play an old fashioned sleuthing game in memory of more innocent times. Well, sort of…
1. Julian Assange- Founder of Wikileaks.
Early Tuesday morning, Wikileaks released another batch of emails.
The DNC is fuming. They are standing firm in their position that Julian Assange is a criminal, working in collusion with the Russian government to effect the outcome of the American election.
They have not denied any of the information that has been made public.
Instead, they have taken great pains to discourage any acknowledgment whatsoever, of anything that may come to light, either directly or indirectly, as a result of the leak.
Their position seems to be that, any evidence of misdeed in these documents, has been illegally obtained and released with the sole purpose of maligning the Clinton campaign. Therefore, any potentially criminal actions must be ignored and exempt from prosecution.
This situation leads to some confusion.
Julian Assange may have harmed the party by exposing their dirty secrets but in doing so, he may have provided every one of them a get out of jail free card.
2. Vladimir Putin- President of Russia
He stands accused of orchestrating the afore mentioned leaks.
Did he or didn’t he? Assange doesn’t discuss his sources.
Putin has expressed resentment about being portrayed as the instigator of the email leaks and he has adamantly denied any involvement.
Hillary may not be his BFF but the convenient timing of the release of the leaks, combined with the fact that he was good sport about that reset button episode, tend to lend credibility to his statements.
He let her enjoy her moment in the sun and in doing so, he provided her with a decent resume booster. Things just didn’t work out. Maybe it was because the symbolic reset button that she presented was translated poorly.
Hillary might have thought that the Cyrillic symbols, engraved on the memento spelled out the word ‘reset’ as they did in English. In reality they spelled out the Russian word for, overload. Putin could have misunderstood her intentions. It could have been taken as a slight. After all, the thing said, ” Russian overload button” and looked like a way to trigger a nuclear weapons launch. Even the most easy going, foreign dignitary could have come to the conclusion that since the state department has the wherewithal to have asked an interpreter to proof read the translation, they either didn’t care or they were poking the bear on purpose.
Foreign governments that meddle in the political processes of other sovereign nations don’t often enjoy long stays in power.
Putin certainly has his flaws but it’s hard to believe that he would subject himself to potential global alienation over an error in translation.
He might not be the culprit… at least, this time.
3. Paul Ryan- Speaker of the house
Paul Ryan ran as the Vice Presidential candidate on the Romney ticket in 2012. Many believed that he would run as a presidential candidate this year but after a lackluster debate performance and a decisive loss for Romney, there was some apprehension about backing him. Also, there was a collective understanding that it was Jed Bush’s turn. Dutifully,
Ryan seemed to fade into the background, at least initially. Then, last year Boehner resigned as Speaker of the House, under pressure from the more conservative factions within the Republican Party. The members of the house, had a great deal of trouble finding a candidate for the position that they could all agree to support. When his name was thrown into the ring, Ryan demurred.
He said that he didn’t want the job. He laid out one excuse after another as to why he was declining the offer. The excuses weren’t all that implausible but his sudden aversion to the spot light sure was. Desperate to fill the position before Nancy Pelosi tried to step in, the ranking members of the party practically begged him to agree to take the job.
Cynics would suggest that he had intended to step in the whole time but that he was exploiting the situation for the publicity because he was planning to run for president in 2020.
Last November, the GOP became concerned about the rise of Trump’s popularity. Credible rumors began to surface about a plan to try to have Michael Bloomberg run as a third party candidate for the purpose of splitting the vote enough that no candidate could reach the necessary number of electoral votes required to win the presidency. The House of Representatives would then appoint Paul Ryan as the president elect. Ryan pretended to know absolutely nothing about the rumors but his behavior told a different story.
It wasn’t long before Romney and the Dump Trump clan openly lobbied for a Trump replacement and Ryan looked suspiciously similar to someone who was campaigning. The final straw for much of the party was Ryan’s peculiar visit to Israel, during which he tweeted presidential messages. The backlash was harsh. Voters resented the attempt to dismiss the primary results.
Ryan was slow to accept the mandate of the electorate. He made an elaborate ordeal out of being courted for his endorsement of Trump. By the time he finally agreed to bestow his nod of approval upon the candidate, the level of animosity was so high that few people really cared what he said anymore.
After yet another long game of, will he or won’t he, Ryan stepped aside as the chairman of the convention. Newt Gingrich finally impressed upon him that the need for party unity outweighed his personal desire to express righteous indignation and Ryan agreed to join the team.
Once the now infamous ” locker room talk” tape was made public, Ryan zipped right on back to his illustrious perch. In a most ungentlemanly display, he uninvited the party’s nominee to a Milwaukee speaking engagement. Following Sunday night’s debate, Paul Ryan led a massive conference call for republican members of congress, in which he essentially sanctioned the plan to cut ties with Trump and focus exclusively on the down ballot.
Rather than attempting to maintain any semblance of party unity, Mr. Ryan made a public display of his disgust and disapproval of the republican nominee for president.
Maybe he’s just a guy who stands up for his principles.
It could be that he is honestly doing what he believes is in the best interest of the party. If he believes that Trump will loose and take the house and the senate down with the ship, he may be just trying to salvage what he can.
Or maybe Paul Ryan is actually the weasel.
4. Donna Brazile- former CNN contributor, current acting chairperson of the DNC
Donna’s a tricky vixen. We almost didn’t want to name her as a suspect. There’s something about her that we really like. She’s sassy and she’s bold. Donna is no pushover.
She manages to take command of situations that would make most folks slink away quietly into the good night. Over the weekend, she was confronted relentlessly about a previously released set of John Podesta’s emails.
Yes, she gave the standard party refrain.
‘ We won’t lend any credibility to a set of unauthenticated documents that have been made public by a foreign group of criminal hackers who do Putin’s bidding. No good citizen of these United States should even peek at the contents of these stolen, private communications. The decent people of America understand that by allowing these exceedingly painful, personal violations to be factored into their choice for president, they automatically become unwitting accomplices in the criminal actions of that outlandish Russian dictator, Trump’s friend, Vladimir Putin. Don’t let him manipulate you!’ Blah, blah, blah.
She couldn’t really sell that drivel any better than the rest of the crew. Donna’s no dummy. She knows perfectly well that it’s a ludicrous argument. To her credit, she fulfilled her obligation to the party by hitting the high notes before she tried to move on. When the interviewer on Fox News challenged her, she actually flashed him a look that gave him pause. It was a sight to behold. Other surrogates become flustered, angry or redundant when challenged.
Not our Donna. After looking at him like a child who had blamed her for the rain, she said, get this…
” Now come on Boo”
Unfortunately, Donna has been up to no good. While serving as a CNN contributor, Miss Donna got her hot little hands on the questions for one of the democratic primary debates the day before the event and she forwarded at least one of the more problematic queries right over to campaign HQ.
Donna’s denying it but the evidence is clear.
Is Donna the weasel? Maybe. All we know is that, those weasels can pop up when you least expect it.
5. Doug Band- Bill Clinton’s former body man and founder of Teneo
Tsk, tsk. This one trashed the boss’s daughter to John Podesta. He called Chelsea Clinton a ” spoiled brat kid” because she objected to Band’s practice of selling access to Daddy when she thought Daddy didn’t know.
His company, Teneo, employs Clinton pals, almost exclusively and seems to offer nothing but introductions and appointment booking with people in power, for which they charge an enormous fee.
The new emails that have been released offer even more exchanges between Band and the state department, in which FOBs (Friend of Bill, aka big donors), are being identified as people that need to be accommodated.
Is he a bad apple acting alone to sell access or is he just a cog in the wheel of corruption?
Oh, the executives at NBC collectively may very well win this contest. They’ve been playing some dirty games and not in a fun way.
In the wake of the Access Hollywood tapes, that’s right the Trump ones, Billy Bush has been fired. They may be phrasing it differently and negotiating a severance package but the bottom line is, Sayonara, Sweetie. The tape was recorded 11 yrs ago and Billy didn’t have much to say on it.
NBC wanted to release the tape themselves, but not before they edited out poor Billy Bush. Someone beat them to the punch and Jeb’s cousin has been sent a packing.
Well, sure. NBC has morality clauses and expectations, as noted in the on air employee contracts. Good for them.
What will they do about Alec Baldwin though? On SNL this week, he actually spoke the censored words aloud. It was shocking and truly repulsive. Maybe it was planned. Maybe he really didn’t take liberties on live television. Ok, let’s roll with that.
We might be able to accept the argument that SNL is late night comedy and the Today Show audience is different. What we find weasel worthy, is the utter lack of loyalty for a long term employee of the network.
The musky stench of weasel only grows stronger when we consider the fact that another on air personality has been using information gathered during the routine performance of his network duties, to make himself useful to the Clinton campaign. (See new email docs)
Perhaps most disconcerting, is the fact that the very same employee remains in good standing after that email information only confirmed the liberal bias that he obnoxiously flaunted during the republican primary debates. Maybe that was too long ago. Then again that was only last year, not 11 years ago.
To refresh any failing memories, John Harwood was moderating the event and asked Donald Trump if he was running a cartoon campaign. Shortly thereafter, he interviewed Ben Carson.
Like any good campaign operative, he reported back to his boss, John Podesta. He warned that Carson might pose a problem for Hillary if he makes it too far in the primary process and pleaded for an ‘ atta boy’ for his rude treatment of a republican candidate (Trump) during one of the few debates that NBC was hosting. For the record, the incident reflected poorly on the network and may result in long term repercussions from the GOP.
7. Debbie Wasserman Schultz
Yeah, definitely a weasel but her own clan already left her for road kill. Her name came up again in the latest email dump but hasn’t she been shamed enough?
8. The DOJ (department of justice)
Sorry. We would love to have included them, especially with all of the new emails evidencing the tips provided to the Clinton posse mid investigation. Was that routine? Maybe.
Is it suspicious? You better believe it.
Unfortunately, rats are rodents (genus- rattus), weasels aren’t (genus- mustela)
Another musky varmint. While google may not be the weasel, they’ve sure been a bee in our bonnet. This pesky political propaganda pusher has been manipulating the search engine in a most nefarious way.
Their mission statement has been, to organize the world’s information and make it universally accessible and useful
The cute insider motto was,
Don’t be evil
That probably felt too judgy for the safe space, so they changed it to,
Do the right thing
That is so inclusive. Yay google!! Bet Spike Lee loved that huh?
Here’s the problem. Since when do liberals advocate for censorship?
Google has been playing fast and loose with searches for some time now. Fair enough. A privately owned company is entitled to a significant measure of latitude.
Oh, then again, google isn’t a private company, nor has it been for the last 10 years. That being the case, one might expect a different level of political neutrality.
Google enjoys a far more flexible set of regulatory obligations, due to their virtual monopoly. (virtual, get it?) But you know what?
When one corporation has the capacity to alter public perception by selectively limiting the accessibility of information based on the political perspective of a small group of shareholders with a controlling interest, democracy is no longer in play.
Psst, Google. We have a little question for you.
Do you people honestly believe that by making it a time consuming, extraordinarily frustrating process to find information that reflects poorly on Hillary, everybody will eventually give up the hunt and fall in line?
Ok, follow up question. When you read
1984 in high school, did you think, Now That’s My Kind Of Democracy! Big Brother’s The Man!?
No? Ok. One more question then.
How do you justify making it nearly impossible to find the other guy’s new campaign ad unless the viewer clicks on it directly, which you also made nearly impossible by posting some ambiguous and scary warning across the ad about not sharing it with friends?
Google may not be the weasel. They may have eaten it.
10. The unholy trinity
This trio is a real Pip.
In response to a letter from Sandy Newman saying that
” There needs to be a catholic spring, in which Catholics themselves demand the end of a Middle Ages dictatorship and the beginning of a little…democracy and respect for gender equality in the Catholic Church ”
As a Jew , Newman claimed that he was ill equipped to ” plant the seeds of revolution ”
Podesta, a ‘ dutiful catholic’, reassured him by saying that he would handle pushing the progressive agenda on the Catholic Church. He provided further comfort by letting Newman know that the revolution was underway.
” We created Catholics in Alliance, for the common good, to organize for a moment like this, but I think it lacks the leadership to do so now…likewise Catholics United, like most spring movements, I think this one will have to be bottom up”
Jen Palmieri said, ” I imagine they think it is the most socially acceptable, politically conservative religion. Their rich friends wouldn’t understand if they became evangelicals.”
John Halpin, a campaign surrogate and a representative of the Center for American Progress, called Catholicism that didn’t advocate for the Democratic Party platform
an ” amazing bastardization of the faith”
Well that’s fun. Someone might not get their wafer next Sunday though.
So let’s take a moment to digest this.
Islamophobia is a blight on the nation, that will bring the wrath of Isis upon us all. Rightfully so, mind you because God loathes a bigot. Irredeemable!!!
We need to all be on the constant look out for anti-Semitism because that indicates that the KKK is back in force and disguising its members as Trump supporters… Scratch that…Republicans.
It’s those Catholics that we really need to watch out for. Those posers are dangerous. They are starting to get the idea that the Bible supersedes progressive ideology.
Can Someone Please Put the Kibosh On That Shit!!!
Don’t worry, it’s ok if we say that. It’s Yiddish.
Weasel or not, this trinity has bigger problems.
11. Marc Turi- authorized arms dealer
Ok, this guy probably isn’t a weasel at all. We just added him to the mix because we found his story to be so profoundly satisfying.
After over 4 years of fog machines being deployed, en masse, every time someone asks about why the Benghazi facility was so under staffed or why there was such a reluctance to deploy a rescue team, Mark Turi has finally surfaced to provide some answers.
The rumors of arm sales to Libyan rebels, facilitated by the state department, under the leadership of Secretary Clinton, in effort to oust Qaddafi, have been the subject of heated debate for years.
Turi claims to have been a key player in the Benghazi story. He’s been under federal investigation for his role in the affair and therefore, has been barred from commenting.
His story is fascinating and quite frankly, pretty darn credible. You can check it out on line or wait for the inevitable media frenzy. There is no doubt that there will be a movie.
12. The Whole Damn Lot of Them.
Just kidding. Not an option.
You have 11 potential weasels to choose from. We can’t wait to find the mustela in the bunch. He or she was exposed on Sunday.
Thanks for your assistance