Scamper's Tall Tales

The Road Trip and the Missing Cheese

gruesome discovery

Part 3: A Gruesome Discovery Conclusion

It had been a harrowing week. Boston Betty had been ensconced in Casa Scamper for 8 long days. 

Everyone has their idiosyncrasies and Betty is no exception. Apparently, overtaking 2 bathrooms was insufficient. Her need for more space precluded her from shutting the doors to the commode… ever. Our other guests, who visited on several occasions, found that habit to be somewhat disconcerting.

She also has an intense need for constant companionship. Fortunately, she found her way to a local watering hole during some of our designated work time. That too presented some foreseeable challenges. Nothing, however, could compare to the a/c wars. She objected to the temperature at which the Scamper abode is maintained and would therefore adjust the thermostat on the sly. When we advised her of our ‘ No Touchy Policy’ in regards to temperature control units, she alternated between “accidentally” leaving doors open and dramatic displays of debilitating discomfort. At one point, we actually grew concerned that she was seizing due to an excess of alcohol ingestion at the watering hole.

Thankfully, the day of the road trip had arrived. Fabulous and Hubby had planned an outing to a medieval fair as a birthday treat. We were delighted. It was to be a three-hour drive, each way and we were only going for the fair. To be clear, we were driving there, then driving back.

Father Scamper had immunized us against fear of the killer drive in our youth. We drove from country to country throughout Europe for years. If you can tolerate four hours on one lane roads, while hanging precariously off the side of a cliff with clouds on the side and crosses marking the deaths of travelers who preceded you every few feet, a three-hour drive on a four lane highway is nothing.
Boston Betty, had not been similarly inoculated. We neglected to mention the duration of the journey up until the last minute. Needless to say, she wasn’t pleased.

The ride there was fairly uneventful. The only issue was the incessant nervous chatter from the Boston contingent, which to our incredible discomfort was largely devoted to the subject of football and her home team’s dominance.

Once we arrived, we watched the jousting and sword fighting, cheered loudly for our favorite knight and routinely demanded, quite loudly, for the record, that someone bring us our dragons. We had a great time. Fabulous and Hubby loved it and encouraged the knight to throw us roses, which he did, thank you very much. Betty was less enthused. She made frequent, lengthy trips to the “ladies room” aka, the bar. By the time we were ready to leave, Betty was MIA. That wasn’t especially surprising since she had established a pattern of disappearing for 20 minute periods anytime she didn’t feel like ending the evening.

Fabulous, who’s patience with her had ended long ago, was in no mood for the Houdini routine. He was the one driving and it was already late. We finally corralled her back to the car and deposited her in the back seat. Hubby sat next to her, planning to snooze for the duration. We took shot gun.
Sadly for Betty, her objections went unnoticed…well, unanswered. Hubby closed his eyes as a tawdry game of twenty questions was underway in the front seat. Fabulous discouraged participation from slurring parties in the back, as it might disturb Hubby’s slumber. Only, Hubby was wide awake.

By the end of the second hour, the caterwauling from the back had become unbearable. Betty needed a bathroom. Our options were limited due to the midnight hour. We suggested pulling off to the side of the road but given our earlier sighting of a family of wild boar, our offer was rejected…quite forcefully.

Fabulous agreed to find a suitable rest stop but he can be dastardly when provoked. He pulled up to a gas station, fully aware of the fact that it was closed for the night. The lights were on though, so Betty didn’t notice. She pulled at the door for three full minutes before she realized that she was out of luck. Once again, we suggested that she retire to a secluded outdoor spot. In hind sight, that might not have been the best idea. She was so frazzled that before any other options could be discussed she needed to inhale her nineteenth cigarette of the day. Once calm, she returned to the car. Right across the street, there was an open truck stop. This is when the first of two gruesome discoveries took place and it was a doozy.

The instant the car stopped, Betty bolted for the rest room. We followed with Fabulous shortly thereafter. Hubby remained in the car, since he seems to be part camel. Fabulous headed straight back for the facilities but Scamper is a more cautious creature. After all, we were in an unsavory spot in the middle of nowhere. We caught sight of a policewoman protecting the location and nodded a greeting. Then we made our way to the ladies room, only to be shoved out of the way by an exceedingly large and exceedingly hairy, unwashed fellow. He threw open the door to the women’s room, most indelicately and made use of the facilities. Boston Betty was in the adjoining stall. This time, thankfully, she had closed the door. Her companion had not.

Relatively unfazed, we turned on our heels and attracted the attention of the policewoman. We told her of our hesitation to join him in the ladies room and she flew into action. He must have heard the commotion because he scurried away with great haste but not before sullying the entire area with his golden fluids. Our heroic officer was truly miffed. In the blink of an eye, she produced a bottle of disinfectant and addressed the issue of the soiled seat. She also offered some very unkind words about the intruder who was now gone. Betty was simpering in the stall. She didn’t know exactly what had taken place but she knew that something unpleasant had gone down.

When we made our way back to the car, after thanking the officer, who could not have been more gracious, Fabulous was all ears.

” Ok, what was that?”, he demanded.

It seems as though he had heard the whole dust up and he found it to be pretty darned amusing. He had encountered his own oddity. Some guy was using the sink in the men’s room as a make shift shower.

About 45 minutes later we arrived at the homestead. Betty was still somewhat traumatized. We were proud of our keen sense of our surroundings and Fabulous and Hubby were heading home. There were some lingering questions as to why Betty hadn’t attempted to disguise her presence while the intruder was there. We were all fascinated by the fact that she neither tucked her legs out of sight nor climbed onto the top of the bowl so as not to be seen. In the interest of sleep, we decided to forgo the inquiry.

The following morning was when we made the second discovery and believe it or not, it was even more bizarre.

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The Scamper

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