A Survivor’s Guide for the Week Ahead
The summer heat has obviously aroused some of the most ornery creatures in the D.C. marshlands. Unfortunately, swamp critters don’t simply sweat like the rest of us.
They instead emit a foul neurotoxin with the capacity to disorient the masses and induce completely irrational thinking.
We’ve compiled a list of some of the most aggressive varmints.
Be advised, they can be alluring but prolonged exposure to their venom has been known to cause insanity.
The Yellow Bellied Water Moccasin-James Comey
Be advised, this is one detestable reptile. He has cloaked himself in a carefully crafted image of honor and diligent neutrality. He’s quite deceitful though.
After Thursday’s sworn testimony, some truths have emerged.
As suspected, his memo leak was not in response to Trump’s tape tweet. In fact, that tweet was a response to a leak about a private conversation supposedly addressing the subject of loyalty. If only two people were in the room, as cowardly Comey claimed, who could have alerted the New York Times to the content of that conversation?
Comey also said that no other president had forced him to endure the discomfort of a private one on one encounter. It must have slipped his mind that he had met privately with president Bush, who by the way, also merited a collection of blackmail notes even though James the snake swore under oath that he had never made notes about a sitting president before. The fork tongued slithering sleaze tried to convince the country that he was a hapless victim of an overbearing president. He suddenly forgot several basic rules of law and portrayed himself as an old fashioned mid western fellow, chock full of folksy sayings and wide eyed innocence. For the record, Mr. Wannabe Walton is from Yonkers. Night, night John Boy, we’ve got your number.
* ps. The slippery snake just received a multi million dollar book deal to write a tell all about both Clinton and Trump. How honorable.
The Lurking Lemur- Robert Mueller, a Swamp Import.
This horrid creature hides until he’s ready to feed. You may never even notice him until it’s too late. He surrounds himself with his clan. In Mueller’s case, it’s a questionable lot. Several of his new recruits have dubious backgrounds, including charges of withholding evidence that would aid the defense. Mr. Mueller also has a long history with the new star witness, James Comey. Apparently, Mueller was his mentor. Well, isn’t that just a bubbling bowl of swampland stew?
This little monkey has a reputation for insuring that someone gets prosecuted come hell or high water. He comes from a group of no nonsense tough guys.
In 2003, Mueller’s pal, special prosecutor Fitzgerald locked up a reporter for 85 days for refusing to incriminate a member of the Bush administration. Someone had leaked the name of a CIA agent and he wanted to know who it was.
The reporter was Judith Miller, the Pulitzer Prize winning journalist. Rumor has it that the special council ultimately wanted to go after Dick Cheney but needed to pressure a less powerful player in order to make that happen. Scooter Libby became the fall guy and was soon indicted on several charges.
Fitzgerald has been widely criticized for abuse of prosecutorial power. It would even seem as though he knew early on in the investigation that Libby was not the culprit.
There is growing concern in Washington that Mueller will play the same games. As of this moment, Jeff Sessions is in the crosshairs. The ultimate target is obviously Donald Trump but anyone in his inner circle has a bull’s eye on their back.
Given Mueller’s close friendship with Comey, in combination with Comey’s Thursday vengeance variety show, there is now at least an appearance of impropriety.
Let’s see who this guy is. Only a true swamp creature would stay on as special council under the circumstances.
A foul smelling opossum who’s been playing dead- Preet Bharara
Just when you thought you had Febreezed his vile stench out of your living room fabrics, he came back.
Mr. Bharara most recently claimed some dubious measure of fame by refusing to tender his resignation as a U.S. attorney when asked. Instead he demanded that president Trump fire him. His wish was granted and apart from some initial emotional milking of the media cows, he’s retreated silently into the good night.
Opossums love garbage though. They can sniff it out from miles away. Once Putrid Preet caught the scent of the Comey hearings, he appeared, hungrier than ever.
He defended Comey rather admirably at first. It almost looked unselfish. Then he explained how he too had become an unwitting victim of the Donald.
Prior to the inauguration, the president elect called Precious Preet twice. Much like his gal pal Comey, Preet felt the prickly heat of an awkward situation. He thought that the president was reaching out to him. President Trump was crass enough to ask him how he was. After the inauguration, the president called once again. Sweet Preet could take it no more. He consulted with his office underlings and they came to a group consensus. They weren’t about to put up with a president who wanted to know if they needed anything. He might have been trying to socialize but if that buffoon didn’t understand that there is no socializing in the swamp, they sure weren’t about to tell him. Preet just wouldn’t return his call.
Precocious Peet wasn’t so clever after all. There’s a funny thing about the president of the United States, no matter who he is. If you dodge his calls, chances are, he’s going to be annoyed. After 24 hrs of the Bharara blow off, Trump had had enough. Resignations were demanded from all of the snarky Obama hold overs, which sounds perfectly reasonable and should have been expected. Just like Comey, Preet remains puzzled. Here’s a clue. If you were uncomfortable with the president’s style, you could have said so. Instead you chose to submerge in the swamp and bite from below. You can’t possibly be surprised that you’ve gotten stuck in the drain. You were warned.
Swamp rat- California Governor, Jerry Brown This one is a shocker.
Pull out the smelling salts because you may need them. Also, swamp rats really stink. Even the scent of ammonia might be a pleasant change.
After President Trump withdrew from the Paris accord, quite a few of the gubernatorial rats began to twitch. They wouldn’t allow that fat cat to steal their cheese. Let’s not forget that states like California receive enormous financial benefits from pushing threats of global warming.
For example, Silicon Valley’s Sir Galahad, Elon Musk has already received over $1.5 billion in tax credits for investing in solar power. ( Sol City) The day that Obama signed the Paris accord, Musk’s stock rose by 12%.
It gets better though. In order to keep his green constituents happy, in addition to seizing the moment, Governor Brown made a bold move. He decided to make a trade arrangement with China, all on his own. He thought that he was super clever. California and China have now signed a trade deal based on their mutual desire to decrease global warming. ( That’s a good one) They aren’t calling it a trade deal though. That would of course be illegal. Obviously, individual states are not entitled to usurp the role of the federal government by conducting their own international negotiations. So, rather than call it a treaty or deal, they are calling it an accord. Oh, how creative. Maybe they picked that one up from the king of the swamp rats himself , Barack Obama.
Canada and Mexico have signed agreements with California as well.
Governor Brown and his nest of western rodents are incredibly pleased with themselves. They have defied federal law regarding immigration by declaring themselves a sanctuary state and now they’re under the impression that they are setting new precedent by presenting themselves as leaders who can undermine the authority of the United States government for their righteous cause.
These bold creatures are exceedingly treacherous. They are reckless and fearless and their minds have clearly been addled by some swamp disease. Don’t be fooled though, they know the swamp. While the local officials are out and about trying to conquer the world, they distract the rest of the nation with a merry band of colorful representatives.
Nancy Pelosi– the irrational queen of the rats that no one dares to challenge.
Dianne Feinstein- a more moderate rat with a bad heart. The second that pacemaker fails her, the pack will feast on her carcass and fight for her power.
Adam Schiff – a small grotesque varmint with a perpetual smirk. The rodents must see some value in this smarmy runt but we sure can’t figure it out.
Eric Swalwell– Oh, this one. He’s troubling. For some unknown reason, there is a strange perception that the camera likes him. His resume remarkably includes a law degree and time spent as prosecutor in the district attorney’s office. This guy seems to be one of the dimmer bulbs in the lamp, so there’s no explaining that one. He has recently become one of the faces of the party. Unfortunately, it would appear that this particular rodent has gone one too many rounds with the local mongoose. If he weren’t so repulsively arrogant, his ineptitude might be amusing.
Kamala Harris– Pelosi had better watch her back. This scrappy little scavenger has her eyes on the prize. She is as nasty as any snake. She’s as ruthless as a black widow and she’s as beautiful as a red tailed fox prancing through the snow on a winter’s eve. Watch out boys. This little Delilah has her grooming shears out and she’s opening up a D.C. barber shop near you.
Maxine Waters– Don’t let the drenched water rat look fool you. Crazy old Maxi still has her fans.
Please take special safety precautions on this coming Tuesday. Attorney General Jeff Sessions is scheduled to testify before the senate intelligence committee. The swamp will become a murky morass.
Additionally, please note that swamplands are not confined to the D.C. area. The U.K. has endured their fair share of slime slapping lately. Theresa May could easily find herself on the unemployment line at any time. After blowing it in that snap election that she thought she had in the bag, it looks like she may be out on her keister very soon. Just keep your fingers crossed that a Boris Johnson type takes over as opposed to the British version of Bernie Sanders on steroids.
South Korea is looking especially saturated with slime these days too. Suddenly, they want no part of the THAAD missile defense system. Kim Jong Un will keep them safe. That whole region is a potential wasteland. It’s filled with a volatile group of adversarial despots, all of whom are consumed by power. In order to combat potential Asian threats, in addition to outstanding Isis issues, we will need to drain the swamp sooner than expected.
It’s time for Trump to hose it all down.