It’s clearly a testy Tuesday. The vast array of characters currently chapping our delicate hide has temporarily eroded our usual charm filter.
Under ordinary circumstances, we would never express our unvarnished inner thoughts. While we won’t apologize for today’s bold remarks, we will offer a note of caution.
The faint of heart should turn back now. Scamper is in a mood.
To the kneeling Neanderthals
Pick your derrieres up, you dilettantes. You clowns are not paid to offer your opinions. Your political grievances are not relevant.
We frankly, seriously doubt that more than a handful of you are even capable of coherently expressing what exactly has you so perturbed.
Do us all a favor and knock it off already. Run around, throw the pig skin and entertain the masses like good meatheads.
To Wayne Newton
What in the name of all that’s holy have you done to your face? Were you mean to your plastic surgeon?
To Hilary Clinton
Just stop. Stop tweeting. Stop talking. Stop appearing on talk shows. Stop all of it. It’s quiet time.
Did your mother not warn you about making ugly faces and freezing that way? Also, what’s with the jiggling when Joe’s talking. We’d suggest that you either change your choice of undergarment or lay off the Starbucks.
To Sen. Bob Corker
Really pal? Adult day care center? Try to maintain a little dignity, will you?
To Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Oh, we’d say this anytime. You my pretty, are an utter delight. Bless your soul.
To Don Lemon
Look Divalicious, you’re an attractive fellow but you’re just not bright enough to maintain your current level of haughty political critique. Take it down a notch.
To Fox News
For the love of Pete, would you please dump that awful Marie Harf already? We can’t take it anymore. We understand that you wanted to give her a shot because of her speech disability but she’s rude and nasty. Send her over to CNN.
To President Trump
When you finally do go after the Rocket Man, could you please send him to our favorite North Korean place?
To Sen. Chris Murphy (D CT)
You frightful man-child. Are you seriously going on interviews to complain that the president is “hurtful”? Get yourself a pacifier and plug up your talk hole.
To Harvey Weinstein
You repulsive creature, you had best be awfully glad that we can’t grant wishes. Trust that if we could, your hind quarters would serve as a jailhouse pin cushion for prisoners without endowment issues.
To Chuck and Nancy
See here you pompous asses, you two trolls have lost dominion over the bridge. No one will be jumping through your hoops or answering your riddles. You lost. They won. Your threats and bluster may make us smile on occasion but it’s a mocking smile. In the future, you might try groveling. In fact, please do. We would love to watch that tv special over and over again.
To Jamele Hill
You poor thing. Someone has led you astray. Here’s the reality of the situation, sweetie. You are not the precious commodity that you believe yourself to be. You are eye candy on ESPN. No one hired you for your ingenious tweeting skills. When you tell your viewers to boycott the station’s advertising, you displease your employers. If that concept is too challenging for you, how about this? Less talky, more tushy. If you go with that plan you may get to keep your job through the first half of your 30’s. Dingbat!
To demanding dreamers
This doesn’t include all dreamers. It’s just a note for the obnoxious protesters who think that they can bully their way to citizenship. Keep it up, children. Everyone loves an entitled brat. Nancy may have backed down to your aggressive stylings but guess what. The president just upped his list own list of demands for agreeing to allow you to stay.
Word to the wise, when your desired standard of living is predicated on other people’s empathy and good will, you should probably try to remain in their good graces. And just for the record, citizens are entitled to peacefully protest. You actually are not. There has been a bill of rights curtesy extended to illegal aliens as an unchallenged practice. It is not guaranteed by any law. President Trump is probably not the guy you want to keep testing.
Finally, to the sanctimonious sensetivos
who want to call Columbus Day, Indigenous People’s Day
Buckle up your Birkenstocks and take a long walk off a short pier. It’s never going to happen. Not today. Not ever.
Stop splashing yourselves with patchouli oil and find an activity other than tantric yoga. Your transparent, hypersensitivity du jour is a self-indulgent excess that you can ill afford. Your level of credibility plummets with every irritating utterance of Namaste. Do the rest of us a favor. Go find Hilary. Take her by the hand and loose yourselves in the woods until you come back to your senses.
And with that, our venom is spent. You can rest assured that we will be far more temperate tomorrow.