It’s been a long, hot, summer week. We’ve all endured a lot.
Hearings got heated on Tuesday.
Wednesday offered an unspeakable assault.
Thursday treated us to hope for renewed unity, which we loved until we realized that the media wanted no part of unity. Each station added their own divisive touch.
Finally, there was the devastating press coverage of the Otto Warmbier story.
We could stand it no more.
As we started to drift off, sheerly because we were overwhelmed, a familiar voice from the past called to us.
It said, Welcome to Fantasy Island.
Join us if you will, as we recount our evening’s voyage.
You’re undoubtedly all caught up on Wednesday’s congressional shooting spree. It was followed by the inevitable talks of unity and love for our fellow Americans. We were cautiously optimistic.
Then Nasty Nancy had to shoot her mouth off. (So to speak). She actually had the nerve to lash out at republicans less than 24 hrs after they had been gunned down at baseball practice.
Needless to say, Nancy dampened our day.
Next we witnessed the horrific tale of Otto Warmbier who has been returned to his family after being held, in a coma, for 15 months in North Korea. We could attempt to provide the details that were offered but they make no sense. He was tried on some ridiculous charge, sentenced to 15 yrs of hard labor in a prison camp, spontaneously contracted botulism, miraculously got his hands on a sleeping pill unbeknownst to his captors, and has been in a coma ever since. (He has no signs of ever having contracted botulism and his brain has been seriously damaged).
The baseball game began with prayer and compassion. Congress appeared to be united as one. It was really touching until we realized that the media doesn’t do touching.
Hannity mocked it as a production number that would be forgotten by morning. MSNBC didn’t even bother giving it any attention. They were too excited about impending Trump trials and Anderson Cooper lost our interest early on.
That was when it happened.
We had noticed the heaviness in our eyelids. We thought that we heard vague echoes of a tinny voice yelling, the plane… the plane.
We awakened to be greeted by none other than Mr. Roarke in his starched white suit, welcoming us to Fantasy Island. Except we were in North Korea.
“It seems that there is much that you want to know”, he said.
Scamper is nothing if not a courteous guest. Plus, yeah, there’s plenty that we wanted to know about North Korea. Not a thing that guy Un does makes a lick of sense.
So, we decided to go with the flow. We did a little half bow and said, ” Why yes, thank you very much.” Come on, it was Asia.
This may all sound like a strange dream but when we rose, we did our research. These facts are all true.
Here’s what we learned.
- There are 28 state sanctioned hair styles. Married women must wear a bob and single ladies can wear it long. Men have only 10 choices. Anyone caught violating hair rules will be subjected to an on site hair cut.
- Marijuana grows wild all throughout North Korea. If you can find it, you can smoke it. Just don’t break any rules.
- Rule breaking is inexcusable. There is only one result. Prison camp. If you get caught breaking a rule, you won’t be the only one headed to the land that time forgot. Three generations of family members will join you in the clink. Parents, grandparents and offspring are all automatically in for the ride. Any children born within the confines of prison camp become instant inmates. Consider it the Asian version of hotel California.
- There are designated days of sadness. Insufficient crying lands you in the special place known as… prison camp.
- It’s not 2017 in North Korea. It is officially year 105. Naturally, that’s because the great leader Kim Il Sung was born in 1912. Also, they have their own time zone which differs from South Korea by half an hour. Pyongyang time is a real thing. Observe it or else.
- Don’t even think about pulling up porn. Once you do, there’s only one destination… prison camp.
- If you see a super fun hot spot called Peace Village, it’s not for you. It’s a trick to lure silly South Koreans over to the dark side. It looks like a bustling modern town. Music plays over loud speakers with alluring factoids about the good life in the north. Don’t let the cat out of the bag though. Or else, it’s prison camp for you.
- Never mess with Kim Jong Un. His uncle tried it and Lil Kim stripped him naked and fed him to a pack of over 100 hungry dogs. Some may say it was actually a firing squad that killed him but we wouldn’t ask. We all know where that would lead. The family and friends program, you know where.
- The country only offers 4 books. They are all dedicated to the great leaders. Fortunately, quality reading material leads to exceptional literacy. North Korea boasts a 100% literacy rate. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Don’t question it. There’s always an available spot in prison camp.
- There are no dwarves in North Korea. They have cured all genetic abnormalities. Just to make sure though, people are measured for height. Too short… take a ride directly to… that’s right. Prison camp.
- Do not ever waste your bowel movements. They must be preserved and sent to the capital. Fertilizer doesn’t grow on trees people!
- Pyongyang is super nice. That’s the place to be. You can only live there though if you are loyal, healthy and trustworthy. How is any of that defined? Who knows? Don’t ask. There’s always availability at motel prison camp.
- If you are a woman who’d like to be in the military, good for you. Those marching moves are spectacular. So dancy and prancy. Those guys are fancy. Whatever you do though, do not misstep. One wrong move and your fate is sealed. If you’re lucky it’s execution. Otherwise… prison camp.
- North Korea enlists a 2,000 woman ‘pleasure squad’. Yep, you got that right. A full blown skilled harem. Sorry, not for you. They only service Kim Jong Un and chosen elites. We’d advise you not to even think about them. Why? You should know by now. Prison camp.
- North Korea is the exclusive home of the unicorn’s lair. Oh yeah, we love this one. It’s especially good so pay attention. Once upon a time, after the fall of the Chinese Tang Dynasty, a new king was born. An egg was impregnated by sunlight, that’s right, sunlight and bipity, bopity, boo, out popped King Dongmyeong. He had a thing for riding unicorns, which was great because of course, he had a royal unicorn.
He died, it died and now it’s buried in the lair. Anyone who’s not a fan of prison camp totally agrees.
And there you go. After the unicorn video we rose to the shrill sound of Morning Joe’s Mika Brzezinski. As one might imagine, we feared that we had been awakened in prison camp.
As we stretched and felt the delicious down enveloping our person, we realized that we were home. We also realized that North Korea is a mad land run by a mad man.
No matter what disagreements Americans have with each other, we have pretty good lives. If we keep that in mind maybe we can actually pull together and eradicate abusive regimes. As soon as we fix our own nation, we’ll be able to get right on that.
If you object to that plan, don’t worry, there’s always prison camp.